Friday, November 7, 2014

Dreaming New Dreams

6 months. Where does the time go? Seriously. I feel like this nightmare happened just yesterday. I still remember hearing his voice for the last time on that cool, eerie, somewhat rainy, foggy day. I remember nearly losing my vision sometime between 9-9:30 pm that night, as I studied hard, trying to push through my last practice exam, anticipating his arrival home at anytime. I remember *knowing* at 10:42 pm something was horribly wrong. Yes, it seems as if this was just yesterday. On the other hand, I feel like this tragedy happened 10 years ago… So much has transpired between then and now. And my body… My physical body feels like it has been 10 years {thanks for the gray hair, honey} Yikes. Emotional stress is real, people! And then there are still the days where I feel like this isn’t even real life… Those days, however, are becoming fewer and farther between.

The monthly marker was different this time than the prior five monthly anniversaries. While I dread the 27th of every month (especially if it falls on a Sunday) I always seem to get through and am thankful that a day on the calendar only lasts 24 hours. This day {October 27, 2014} was still hard, like every month before, but it was a different difficult Everything that could have went wrong—did. But they were little things, and just that, THINGS. When tragedy blindsides you, you lose sight of all those “things.” Instead, your focus & energy {what focus you can maintain and what energy you have} shifts to “the big picture” of this incredible life we are given… And suddenly, it’s not a big deal drop and shatter a bowl, spill an entire jar of pepper jelly, or shrink a brand new shirt {All just things that happened on 10.27.14} I didn’t cry on this day. Because here’s what happens when you’re on the widowhood express {the scariest, most painful roller coaster EVER might I add} … There comes a point in time where you are plain sick of feeling sick, feeling broken, feeling sad, and simply, not human. And since that point, I feel that my grief has begun shifting directions….
Rather than dwelling on my past and “what was suppose to be” I have slowly, ever so gently, been able to start looking towards the future, my future, and embracing a life here on Earth without him beside me. And you know what? It sucks. Moving forward post-loss is quite possibly the most challenging, scary {nobody mentioned the fear factor associated with loss!!!}, exhausting, heart wrenching choice. But that’s exactly what it is—a choice. For me, this has meant choosing to look forward more often than looking in the rearview mirror. I still think of my hubby every minute of every single day, and ohhhh do I miss that man, but I refuse to let the loss of him destroy me. In the words of Robin Roberts, “God has 3 answers to prayers… (1) Yes. (2) Not yet. (3) I have something even better for you.” While it seems impossible that there could be anything better than what I (we) had, I still believe that He has me in His hand and He is on my team in this crazy game of life. Faith is a beautiful thing!

As most of you know, I had recently completed my Master’s degree for nurse anesthesia and was days away from taking my certification exam when tragedy struck. Since then, I have passed boards, but I have not been working. And while I’m thankful for the time I’ve been able to take for myself to grieve, I need to work some day. I spent so much time and energy (and $$) on my education. It is not an option to not work.  So… I’ve been contemplating different job opportunities and started dreaming new dreams. I’m still waiting for the 4-1-1 on widowhood to show up at my doorstep or in my email inbox, but until then, I’m following my heart and living on a lot of prayers.
As I dream these new dreams and move forward, I thank you all for your never-ending support, kind words, and uplifting spirit. I know the last 6 months would have been even more difficult without all of you. I feel your love, prayers, and hope for me… And for that, I’m thankful. Beings it’s November, I encourage you to count your blessings and……… shave (I don’t promote “no-shave” November, or any month for that matter ;)

Blessings to you and yours!

Megan
"No-Shave" November {2012}... He attempted to grow a beard, emphasis on "attempted" :)