A new year is upon us, and to be
honest, I couldn’t be more thankful and relieved for just that—I welcomed 2015
with open arms. As you all know 2014 was not a good year; it was a year that
started out amazing, almost too perfect, actually, and ended with even more
devastation and heartache. As I reflect back on all of the happiness, love and
complete bliss that filled our lives in our short time together in 2014, I
can’t help but smile and be sad at the same time. I smile at the beautiful
memories we made… memories that I will forever cherish. Yet I shed tears over
the many memories we didn’t get the opportunity create—dreams that are no
longer dreams, but instead, a heartbreaking image of “what should have been.” There
were so many things we were supposed to do together and milestones we were
supposed to conquer together in our life here on Earth!
While I wish I could say that 2014
was the “worst year of my life”, I can’t. It’s the year that I completed my
Master’s program for nurse anesthesia and beyond that, it’s the year that I was
blessed by the grace of GOD to be able to marry the man of my dreams, my soul
mate. Before we were engaged, DJ & I were discussing wedding
dates/timeframes. With a crop duster’s schedule to consider, along with our
parents in the farm industry- spring, summer, and fall were out. A winter
wedding it would be! I, very-so-kindly, gave him a 6 month window from popping
the big question to wedding day. If you knew my husband, he waited to do
everything last minute. While we were pretty set on an early March 2014 wedding
date, we had also contemplated December 2014 nuptials. That way I could take my
certification exam immediately upon finishing school and hopefully, settle into
a job before the craziness of wedding planning… Realistically speaking- this
would be the better option. Following
our engagement, though, complete joy and excitement fulfilled us, any notions
of reality were overshadowed, and we couldn’t wait to become Mr & Mrs! Little
did I know I would go from wife {3.12.14} to widow {4.27.14} just 6 weeks after
“I Do” and while I would give anything for more time, I am SO thankful for the
short time we did have as husband and wife.
Knowing that DJ & I will never
celebrate any of those “firsts” {or seconds, thirds, fourths, etc…} has been
tough on this young widow. Thanks to a loving, supportive family & group of
friends, I managed to get through this first holiday season without him somewhat
gracefully. A dear friend {a woman who I have actually never met, but have been
in the same vicinity as her on two separate occasions- our husband’s funerals}
sent me the most perfect package during the holiday season and in it was a
journal with a cover that read “I will hold myself to a standard of grace, not
perfection” How fitting, right? I LOVE it! So I shifted my focus to just that-
grace, not perfection. Some tears were cried, but there were smiles and
laughter, too. New memories were made, and we reminisced old ones as well. It
was, no doubt, a different kind of Christmas. And while I thought I had every
excuse in the book to completely skip Christmas, I came to the realization that
this year, of all years, was the year to celebrate. Not because it would be
easy {it wasn’t} but because thanks to that little baby born in a stable, our Savior,
we are granted peace & eternal life in the most beautiful place- Heaven.
Now that deserves a celebration.
Speaking of celebrations, I rang
in the New Year in typical Fischer-fashion, turning my garage into a tropical
paradise... There was even a hot tub party {and I don’t have a hot tub…!} While
I look forward to 2015, I do so with bittersweet hesitation. A new year
resembles a new chapter in life—a chapter that my husband will be only a memory—a
bittersweet beginning. With 365 blank pages staring me in the face, I decided
to engage in a gratitude challenge, where each day over the course of 2015 I
will find something to be thankful for because as you know “there is always,
always something to be thankful for.” Gratitude is powerful, especially
following loss, as it has the capability to bring forth hope, positivity, and
even happiness through all of life’s trials and tribulations. Even ugly days
can still be picturesque :)
"Gratitude
has the power to help those in mourning rise above their loss. It is life
affirming. It can provide hope. And, perhaps most important, it can help us let
go of the past and focus on the abundance that surrounds us now."
As I begin this new year, I continue
my journey, a journey of sorrow & promised hope. With heartache comes
healing, and with healing comes growth and the opportunity for new beginnings.
I look forward to these bittersweet beginnings just as my late husband would
want me to do. While it is incredibly challenging and takes courage that is
beyond measurable, I do believe there is life after loss and you have 2
options—you can either (1) embrace it & live it or (2) sulk in your sorrow
& let it pass you by… Thanks to all of you for inspiring me to go with
option #1! As always, I remain SO grateful for all of your continued prayers and
words of encouragement. I will close with a quote I received in a weekly email
from one of my favorites widows {Christina Rasmussen, author of Second Firsts} in regards to her wishes
for anyone embarking on a journey of sorrow, “…But most of all more hope, hope
that things can get better. Not because time is passing by but because you are
strong enough to choose life once again.”
Cheers to 2015 & new
beginnings!
XOXO-
Megan
{In honor of my angel baby
—who was
due to arrive this week—
but is soaring the skies of Heaven with his/her daddy
instead.}
