Time

4 months. 18 weeks. 130 days.

Have you ever thought about the concept of “time”? … A serious sit down-pondering-head scratching-Einstein style-poke your eyeballs out mull over time? I never have either. But the last 4 months {18 weeks, 130 days} have given me a whole new perspective of time. I’ve decided it’s two faced- my best friend and my worst enemy. If there was one thing I wasn’t prepared for in the widowhood world, it was how much time I was going to need to get back up on my feet. Literally. My first month post-loss consisted of shock. Pure and complete shock. I don’t remember May—it’s almost as though it never even existed for me. Months #2 & #3 were incredibly difficult as the shock and numbness slowly started to wear off, not to mention a miscarriage in there. Life became physically painful as I had face the future without my husband, who I loved more than any words could ever express. Most days I couldn’t see past the next hour, let alone the next day or month. And now, here we are in September…….

9.5.13

On the flip side of this notion of time, DJ popped the big question one year {52 weeks, 365 days} ago today! Thanks to my gullible-ness I didn’t even question the Go-Pro mounted in the airplane; in fact, I’m pretty sure I confirmed with him that it was actually on and recording before take-off [He told me that if he recorded his flights our insurance premium would be discounted ... Hindsight thought: “What?!?!”] I don’t have the recording of our engagement to show you—you can ask my brother-in-law about that J Let’s just say I’m really good at finding straight roads in the “emergency-landing” situation and after 2 minutes of hyperventilating, legs shaking seizure-style, & my face buried in the sweaty palms of my hands—I said YES! {Just for the record, there was no emergency & there was no landing; see above on gullible-ness}. It’s amazing how much change can take place in just one year. I went from dating, to engaged, to married, to widowed all in a matter of a few months. I would give anything to go back in time…

"I can't promise that I will be here for the rest of your life, but I can promise that I will love you for the rest of mine..."

They say time “heals.” But, really, you never completely heal. That grief never leaves your heart; it may become dormant for some time {at this point, “some time”=hours, maybe}, much like a state of remission following a battle with cancer, but then, all of the sudden that overwhelming feeling of heartache & sadness & hopelessness can come back with a vengeance. Much like salt on a wound—it’s gut-wrenching, takes your breath away, and brings tears. One of the harder things in the whole realm of grief, for me, has not only been losing my hubby {and accepting my loss}, but also accepting the grief that has accompanied my losing him. It is exhausting. And relentless. And requires more patience than you could imagine. You are required to ‘feel’ a lot of feelings… I’m mad as hell, sad as you could be, fear my future, and feel cheated out of what was supposed to be the best years of my (our) life. The phrase “one day at a time” has never been held so close to my heart as it is now. I would give anything to fast forward time if I can’t be granted option A {See above}.

Obviously option A nor B is possible, so I decided awhile back that I will settle for option C, which consists of moving forward & finding joy in life again. A dear friend, who happens to be wandering this crazy widowhood path with myself, reminds me “it’s pretty hard to cry when you’re laughing.” Although laughing isn’t always easy, I’ve learned that it is ok. It’s ok to smile, laugh, and live life, one day at a time. Which brings me to my closing thought on time... Everyone who attended the 1^st Annual DJ Fischer Memorial Scholarship fundraiser had a great time! I cannot say thank you enough to the guys who organized and hosted such an awesome event! Also, THANK YOU to all of you for your generosity and more importantly, honoring my late husband—it means the world to our families and myself. I know he is one proud angel up there and he has one proud wife here on Earth!

DJ's family @ the golf tourney

It’s no joke that the theory of time is a crazy brain twister. It haunts you, yet “heals” you. There are good times and bad times. As I continue to take one day {sometimes hour} at a time in my new norm of widowhood, I remain so incredibly thankful for your prayers, inspiring words, and love that surrounds me always. I’m blessed to have countless amazing people walking beside me on this journey. In time, I will be able to see past tomorrow and restore hope in my future.

Until next time…