6 months. Where does the time go?
Seriously. I feel like this nightmare happened just yesterday. I still remember
hearing his voice for the last time on that cool, eerie, somewhat rainy, foggy
day. I remember nearly losing my vision sometime between 9-9:30 pm that night,
as I studied hard, trying to push through my last practice exam, anticipating
his arrival home at anytime. I remember *knowing* at 10:42 pm something was
horribly wrong. Yes, it seems as if this was just yesterday. On the other hand,
I feel like this tragedy happened 10 years ago… So much has transpired between
then and now. And my body… My physical body feels like it has been 10 years
{thanks for the gray hair, honey} Yikes. Emotional stress is real, people! And
then there are still the days where I feel like this isn’t even real life…
Those days, however, are becoming fewer and farther between.
The monthly marker was different
this time than the prior five monthly anniversaries. While I dread the 27th
of every month (especially if it falls on a Sunday) I always seem to get through
and am thankful that a day on the calendar only lasts 24 hours. This day
{October 27, 2014} was still hard, like every month before, but it was a different
difficult Everything that could have went wrong—did. But
they were little things, and just that, THINGS. When tragedy blindsides you,
you lose sight of all those “things.” Instead, your focus & energy {what
focus you can maintain and what energy you have} shifts to “the big picture” of
this incredible life we are given… And suddenly, it’s not a big deal drop and
shatter a bowl, spill an entire jar of pepper jelly, or shrink a brand new shirt
{All just things that happened on 10.27.14} I didn’t cry on this day. Because
here’s what happens when you’re on the widowhood express {the scariest, most
painful roller coaster EVER might I add} … There comes a point in time where
you are plain sick of feeling sick, feeling broken, feeling sad, and simply,
not human. And since that point, I feel that my grief has begun shifting
directions….
Rather than dwelling on my past
and “what was suppose to be” I have slowly, ever so gently, been able to start
looking towards the future, my future, and embracing a life here on Earth
without him beside me. And you know what? It sucks. Moving forward post-loss is
quite possibly the most challenging, scary {nobody mentioned the fear factor
associated with loss!!!}, exhausting, heart wrenching choice. But that’s
exactly what it is—a choice. For me, this has meant choosing to look forward
more often than looking in the rearview mirror. I still think of my hubby every
minute of every single day, and ohhhh do I miss that man, but I refuse to let
the loss of him destroy me. In the words of Robin Roberts, “God has 3 answers to
prayers… (1) Yes. (2) Not yet. (3) I have something even better
for you.” While it seems impossible that there could be anything better than what
I (we) had, I still believe that He has me in His hand and He is on my team in
this crazy game of life. Faith is a beautiful thing!
As most of you know, I had
recently completed my Master’s degree for nurse anesthesia and was days away
from taking my certification exam when tragedy struck. Since then, I have
passed boards, but I have not been working. And while I’m thankful for the time
I’ve been able to take for myself to grieve, I need to work some day. I spent
so much time and energy (and $$) on my education. It is not an option to not
work. So… I’ve been contemplating
different job opportunities and started dreaming new dreams. I’m still waiting
for the 4-1-1 on widowhood to show up at my doorstep or in my email inbox, but
until then, I’m following my heart and living on a lot of prayers.
As I dream these new dreams and
move forward, I thank you all for your never-ending support, kind words, and
uplifting spirit. I know the last 6 months would have been even more difficult
without all of you. I feel your love, prayers, and hope for me… And for that,
I’m thankful. Beings it’s November, I encourage you to count your blessings and………
shave (I don’t promote “no-shave” November, or any month for that matter ;)
Blessings to you and yours!
Megan
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| "No-Shave" November {2012}... He attempted to grow a beard, emphasis on "attempted" :) |
Megan, Your posts are so close to home to me. I don't know you but have friends that know you and have posted on the Facebook page your blog links. I do know your pain, same but oh so different. I entered this awful world of widowhood 10 months ago. You are so right, I'm still waiting for 4-1-1 on what to do too. Where to go, what to do. For me, it's saying good bye to 32 years of an awesome marriage, and always being a stay at home mom. Now I find myself facing a work world, that thinks I've wasted my life staying at home raising my kids. (To me it was the best job I could ever have had). I don't know what to do next, but I know God does, so I keep seeking and asking that 'what next?" question. Keep persuing your dreams, and don't give up. Each day I've had to make the choice to just move forward. I know you know how hard that can be.
ReplyDeleteI too have found comfort in blogging my journey. www.kelleycamera.blogspot.com Like you, I sometimes can't see the big picture at the moment, but keep looking at all the puzzle pieces that surround me, knowing that some day it will make a beautiful picture.
My heart goes out to you, and have prayed for you that God will give you the strength to keep going and find that new dream and purpose.
Kelley R (Bismarck)