Dancing Through the Shadows

Nearly 10 months has come and gone since losing my husband, and let me tell you, it has been a LONG, gut-wrenching 10 months with more heart-ache than you could dream possible. While most days I feel as though the “fog” of widowhood has lifted, there continues to be days where my grief straight up exhausts me. Today {2.10.15} is one of those days… I’m blaming this cold, gloomy weather after enjoying the sunshine all of last week while vacationing in San Diego, CA. Needless to say, I have cabin fever! 

As time continues to pass me by, I feel like I’m stuck in the shadows watching the world spin ‘round and everyone else’s life stories unfold. I was not prepared for how much time my broken heart was going to need to heal. Nor was I prepared for the fear of the unknown that accompanies grief. Furthermore, grief seems to be this sneaky identity thief. I feel robbed of my life, as the element of shock has vanished. The life we lived together has become distant memory; yet my heart speaks otherwise as mending wounds become ripped open over and over again proving grief to be ever so relentless.

After coming to grips with the “big” losses so to speak, I recently find myself grief-stricken over all of the little things that made our love & ungodly short marriage so perfect to us … I miss him being our mail retriever and sorter. I miss having conversation over coffee and making breakfast together. I miss him grabbing my arm or leg to pull me in for a quick hug, as I would walk by him. I miss his crooked, little smirk he would give me when I would say something to make him smile. I miss going out to the airport just to say hi and steal a kiss. I miss sharing a bottle {or 2} of wine together. I miss him putting his hand on the small of my back as he opened a door for me. I miss spontaneous airplane rides at sunset. I miss him giving me wet willies. I miss him putting his arm around me at church during the sermon and always kissing my cheek during the sharing of the Peace. I miss him balancing the checkbook and taking out the garbage. I miss him coming home in his chemical stained clothes, with greasy helmet-head hair, and a furry face after a spray run. I miss seeing how excited our dogs got to see him come home. I miss the EMS/fire pager going off and seeing him go running out the door, and then always safely returning home after those calls. I miss him calling me “honey” & “babes.” I miss being each other’s biggest, yet most rewarding challenge. Most of all, I miss how safe he made me feel and his love that surrounded me always. It’s true—the price you pay for incredible love is incredible grief.

While I will always consider DJ my “forever husband” I hope to, one day, love again and be loved. If there is one thing I know I NEED to do, it’s just that… Several times throughout our 22 months together I asked him “What would I ever do without you?” {Typical pilot’s girlfriend/wife question} He always responded with the same answer, usually with a little chuckle {as if I was asking some crazy, off-the-wall question}, “Honey, you will be fine. You will have to find someone to take care of you and get remarried.” And then he would kiss my cheek and go about whatever he was doing. I remember feeling paralyzed & thinking in those moments ‘What?!?? How is he so matter-of-fact, nonchalant, and truly at peace with this potential situation??’ But he was. And for those little moments, I’m thankful for his blessing in disguise. So with the upcoming “Hallmark Holiday” {Valentine’s Day} I thought I would shed some light on the big “D” word........

Shit.

Here’s what I know… (1) I’m not quite ready to enter the dating world again {Lord help me}, but (2) someday, I will be ready. And (3) although it will be a different love, I believe it will still be beautiful. Dare I say, it may even be a greater love?! Stay with me… It’s not what you think.  I say “greater” because as a widow you’re granted this rare perspective of love & marriage. You see love in a different, extraordinary light. It’s bright and beautiful and full of gleam. I know darkness; therefore, I appreciate the light. And even though I’m still dancing through the shadows of this crazy, so unpredictable life, I do look forward to finding the light again just as my forever husband would want me to do.

I can’t believe it has been nearly 10 months since my life was flipped upside down. I can’t believe I’ve been his widow longer than I was his fiancé and wife. I do believe, however, that GOD has a plan for me, and purpose for my heartache. If there is one thing I’ve clung to it’s the fact that HE didn’t promise days without pain & sorrow, but HE did promise to be with you always, even through the shadows. AMEN :)

Continued thanks to all of you—my prayer warriors, my inspirations, my uplifting spirits! This widow is beyond thankful for your unending support & love!

  

xo,

Megan