My Rock Bottom

       In the early morning hours of April 28, 2014 my world stopped. Around 4:07 AM it was confirmed that my husband’s missing airplane had struck a wind turbine just 10 miles from his destination. Around 4:23 AM I was told what I already knew. My husband of just 6 weeks had not survived along with the 3 other souls on board. I don’t think I even cried. Shock took over my mind & body. And the rest of the week is much of a blur………

But let me rewind so I can fill you in on our story. I can’t do that in this crazy thing called life (unfortunately), but I surely can do it on blogspot.com

February 28, 2014… I FINALLY completed graduate school and was officially done having a long distance relationship with my fiancé! We were ecstatic to have survived my long haul of 30 months in CRNA school and had just one week to finish up last minute details before we were Mexico-bound for our wedding. We were so happy, relieved, and just plain excited that it was finally almost here!

March 12, 2014… Our wedding day was our perfect start to forever. We were surrounded by 68 of our family & friends saying, “I do” on a beach in Mexico as the sun began its decent. There was not one thing we would have changed about our day. To us, our dreams had come true.

March 29, 2014… This is actually our legal wedding date & another Fischer celebration! For those of you who know us, we like to party J Our wedding reception was, again, everything we hoped- great company, amazing food, and an awesome band {Goodroad}! We had a blast celebrating our love with everyone who could attend!

April 2014… The month of April for me consisted of studying as I was preparing for my national boards. DJ spent long days at the airport getting his beloved 802 ready for the 2014 spray season. He was so excited to get in his spray plane and do what he loved!  We had lunch together everyday and supper together nearly every night. We enjoyed each other’s company and began to settle into married life. Despite studying, it was awesome. The weekend of April 25, 2014 approached and he decided to fly to Texas with a couple of guys from around the area to attend a cattle sale. He knew I had one final weekend of studying to push through so he thought he would get out of the house. From the moment he told me about the plan, I had a bad feeling. But that was normal. When you’re married (or even dating) to a pilot, a cropduster nonetheless, you have lots of bad feelings. And so far, none of those bad feelings resulted in anything bad. So I did what I usually did…. Made him promise to check in with me, let me know the minute he was on the ground, watch the weather, etc… {Side note: it’s funny how you become a meteorologist when you’re married to a pilot} DJ, Brent, Nick, and Logan all arrived in windy Texas without any issues on Saturday morning. Off to the cattle sale they went….

April 27-28, 2014… I woke up at 5:30 AM that Sunday worried about the weather that was on its way to the entire Midwest. DJ of course calmed my worries and ensured me he was watching it closely. I trusted him and went about my day of studying. The last time I heard his voice was around 5 PM. They were just getting ready to take-off from Hereford, Texas. He texted me & let me know when he was flying over Oklahoma, Kansas, and Nebraska. At 8:54 PM I received my last ever text from him that said “Goin over Chamberlain.” I replied with “Keep flying safe.” If only I would have known that would be our last conversation, I would have responded with “I love you”…. At 10:42 PM, I knew something was horribly wrong. I hadn’t heard from him and knew he should be home by now. I went to the airport where one of his brothers met me. We turned on the runway lights and tried to get him to come in on the radio. Nothing. By 11:15 PM flight services was contacted and after discussing departure times, last contacts, text messages, etc… They deployed search and rescue by 12:30 AM, now April 28, 2014. I was sick to my stomach. I went home and my sister-in-law came over (DJ’s 2 brothers took off for Highmore to try find him and the 3 other men) and crawled in bed with me. We layed there and tried to convince each other planes went down and people survived as we saw every hour on the clock pass that night. I don’t remember much after the 4 AM hour… As mentioned above, I was in complete shock. How could this happen 6 weeks after our wedding day, the beginning of our happily ever after?!?!??

April 28-30, 2014… Shock continued. Tears flowed. And many hugs were given. Family & friends & complete strangers wrapped their arms around us. On April 30, 2014 @ 2 PM I was supposed to be taking my boards, but instead on this date and at that exact time I planned my husband’s funeral with his family. I will never forget looking at the clock and thinking how could this possibly be?

May 1, 2014… DJ would have turned 31 today AND would have found out he was going to be a daddy! I found out I was pregnant at 5 AM that morning. Again, shock. Of course, I knew this was a definite possibility, but considering the events on April 27, I figured it would be “too good to be true” if I indeed was pregnant. {Disclaimer: All those Coors Light bottles consumed over the last few weeks were filled with water; also, my sister in law has a great Kool-Aid recipe that matches Mike’s Hard Cranberry Lemonade perfectly J} After I stared at the positive home pregnancy test for a few hours and contemplated taking another five just to confirm, I decided this was my silver lining to this nightmare I was living. This was my strength to get me through saying my final goodbyes to my husband. This is what was going to me through to other side of grief. I could do this. I HAD to do this for our baby, my little piece of heaven on earth.

May 3, 2014… I said goodbye and I love you to my beloved husband. It was the hardest day of my life.

May 5, 2014… I had a repeat quantitative HCG drawn, which confirmed my number was continuing to climb… This was a good sign and according to the calendar and my quant, I was 4-5 weeks along. 

May 8, 2014… I met with my OB for the first time. More blood work was drawn and an ultrasound was done. They warned me that they probably wouldn’t see anything on this ultrasound because I wasn’t very far along. BUT, the ultrasound tech was able to identify a gestational sac immediately and I measured right at 5 weeks with an estimated due date of January 8, 2015. My OB was impressed, but with the emotional stress my body was enduring, she wanted to keep a close eye on me. I left there feeling cautiously optimistic, yet realistic knowing all too well my risk (anyone’s) risk of miscarriage.

May 29, 2014… My 8-week appointment. Well, remember my aforementioned “too good to be true” feeling I had upon finding out I was pregnant? That basically sums up this appointment. The ultrasound suggested I was 5 weeks 6 days…. Remember this is 3 weeks after my last appointment where I measured 5 weeks. My heart sank. My OB asked if dates could be off. Had my husband been alive? Maybe.  But I knew it wasn’t humanly possible. We decided to draw more blood and check another pregnancy hormone level. To our surprise, my blood work all was consistent with a viable, 6-week pregnancy. So my OB and I decided it was worth it to give this little bean another week, a gazillion prayers, and a heck of a lot of hope.

June 5, 2014… I would be 9 weeks pregnant today. I decided to go back to the ultrasound room alone for this appointment. If there was another loss, I didn’t want anyone else to have to see it. Plus, I knew DJ was with me. The tech came in and started. I knew right away that this pregnancy was no longer viable, as there was no change in the measurements. I envisioned my guardian angel sitting in the chair next to the table I was laying on, holding my hand and his other arm and hand supporting his forehead while he cried. I only saw him cry once in our 22 months of knowing each other, but I know this loss, my loss, moved him to tears. Thankfully, I had prepared myself mentally for this appointment. Although I wanted nothing more than my "little piece of heaven on earth" with me, I knew that this baby must have needed his or her daddy more- can’t blame him or her, I guess. I accepted my miscarriage with grace and found peace in knowing our baby was in heaven with daddy, grandpa, a couple of cousins, many of our friends’ little peanuts, as well as several other family members. My OB and I discussed options at this point and I elected for a D&C even though I was terrified of being put to sleep for surgery (I was supposed to be putting people to sleep, not getting put to sleep!!!) This was planned for Tuesday, June 10, 2014. Before I left, I mentioned to her that I had found a lump on my breast and thought she should check it out. Upon examination, she ordered an immediate breast ultrasound and mammogram. Yes, this is really happening. Phone calls were made and I was able to get right in at the imaging center down the street. So I filled my mom in on the 2- minute car ride and we went on to the next appointment. The ultrasound was done first. The radiologist read the scan and determined that the mammogram was necessary. {Side note: Mammograms while pregnancy hormones are elevated are not fun. Period} To my surprise, the radiologist came and talked to me immediately following the mammogram. He came into the room, introduced himself and said, “Well I have some good news and not so good news…” REALLY?! Ok, at this point, I’m numb to life so bring it on. He said the mass was not a cyst, but definitely some sort of tumor… While the characteristics of the mass per the images looked benign, he could not guarantee that to me. So his recommendation was to have the entire mass removed and sent for pathology. I called my OB’s nurse and explained this situation. We made an appointment for me to meet with the general surgeon on Monday, June 9, 2014 and added an excisional breast mass biopsy to my already scheduled D&C for Tuesday.

June 10, 2014… SURGERY DAY… I was nervous for many reasons.

#1 This meant my pregnancy, my once- in-a -lifetime shot of being a mama to DJ Fischer’s babe, was officially over. I wasn’t sure how I was going to handle that emotionally today and in the days to come. This was supposed to be my silver lining….

#2 I was scared of anesthesia… And decided ignorance is bliss.

#3 What if this breast mass is the ugly “C” word? Because let’s face it, I’ve lost my husband and our baby in a 6 week timeframe. I don’t think God necessarily says “Well she has lost so much lately, let’s give her a break this week”…. Things happen. And I am here to tell you that you have no control over these things. The pathology report for this mass wouldn’t be back until late afternoon the following day.

I had 2 requests on June 10, 2014… That my guardian angel be with me at all times and that I be given really good drugs. And those 2 requests were granted! Everything went so smooth. I arrived at the hospital at 6 AM and was discharged by 10 AM. Everybody was so nice and their empathy meant the world to me. I remember going back to the OR around 6:55 AM. I got settled on the operating room table and my general surgeon came to my side and held my hand until I was sleeping. What a nice guy! I have never seen a surgeon do that before. Surgery went off without a hitch and I woke up in the recovery room 20 minutes after I had been dropped off (thank you good drugs). My mom took me home to Gettysburg and I recovered nicely with no discomfort to speak of. Since April 28, 2014 pain is perceived much differently. And this physical “pain” was nothing compared to the pain of losing the man I loved with all of my heart.

Today… June 12, 2014… So here I am. A widow at 28 years old. No baby on the way. And no more lump, which by the way, was what they call a fibroadenoma- a benign tumor (Thank you Lord). Sometimes I feel as though I have had everything taken away from me. I feel cheated, especially in my short marriage to the man of dreams. We would have celebrated 3 months of wedded bliss today! I can’t say though, that I have lost everything. I still have my faith, a great family, the best of friends, an amazing, supportive community, which has become home to me, and a whole army of people supporting me, lifting me up, and wrapping their arms around me. Amidst everything over the last 6 weeks, there has been no greater loss than that of my husband. I miss him dearly.

I will close with a quote a good friend, who at the time did not know of these “other” events taking place in my life, sent me last week. It is a quote from Giuliana Rancic in regards to her battle with infertility and breast cancer…

“True strength really is staying strong when the whole world would forgive you if you were to fall to your knees and give up… That’s true strength… Not giving up.”

--Megan